My nightmare would be something like this: Them: My 6 year old daughter and her class are putting together a full rundown of the classic opera La Traviata in the original Italian and itll end at 11PM on a weekday. Later the grad students said the table turned to remarking on the professor as soon as she was out of earshot, including their surprise that she could be a professor of engineering. I disagree concerning the Where are you from? part. Born and bred in southern California, how are you? asked of/by a stranger functions, for me, like any scripted greeting, pretty comparable to an all right with or without the interrogative in that a detailed (or even particularly honest) response is not expected and in many cases wont be acknowledged because it wont be heard (because no one is listening for it). (Full disclosure: Whole in-law family are control freaks and this type of thing IS a setup with them. Maybe I wont be all that interested in helping her someday. At least Im bright enough to stay out of the control panel and remember my passwords. Them We need to have lunch soon Depends, why?, even if said with humour, does tell the asker that I might be open, but that itll depend on the contents of the invitation. (If shes British, hopefully that will scare the crap out of her and shell leave you alone. interactions that I think stand a significant chance of blowing up in peoples faces. Them (if it was an invitation prequel) would Thursday at noon work for you?, Them We need to have lunch soon From the sound of it, this is a dynamic already in place where LW faces various sorts of family opprobrium if LW turns down the cousin, and this is what LW is reacting to. I honestly dont know how young people are functioning as well as they are, given that. Let the customer know you empathize with them and use their name to personalize your communications. The pushback on needing brain time though makes sense. LW here. In my case this is always 100% true because unless I literally have my calendar open in front of me I do not know what I am doing at literally any time on any day. All of these situation have the same question in them, but they are not remotely all one situation. I agree!! I always answer with [local Canadian area], because its 1) true and 2) not at all the answer theyre fishing for (although I sometimes? I have a couple of friends/acquaintances(sp? Saying no at that point feels rude, and yeah some people have reacted badly. And they come up organicallyI dont invent them just to make her jump through hoops. Another example: My parents both corrected their local accents to American Standard Television English long before I was born, so I grew up with that accent myself. Here in Scandinavia using this question might lead to really strange conversations since people might assume that it is indeed a serious question which deserves a serious and thorough answer (though this varies between different countries and areas). Tell me about you. You wonder where he'll take you. How can I ask in a way that minimizes that feeling? (Like the How are you? inquiries) Bonus points if you say something that makes zero sense, but you end up getting your family to look at you like a genius anyway. Nah, Why do you ask is generally pretty safe to take literally. But its all about context, and thats not the context the LW is talking about. Ive had good luck with, Fantastic! because no matter what is happening to me, I am still fantastic in various ways. My belief is that its easier to layer politeness onto a firm foundation of self-aware no than it is to find no after being trained to be obliging. To them I am this exotic other they feel entitled to treat in a certain way because their goodness and its expression is more important than my real and complex experience as a human being.. There is no need to think about what they're up to or why they sent you the . My friends do it alllll the time. I might even be more direct My kids and I need the walk to school for ourselves. I am so devoted to nail care now that it takes me 27 hours to get my tips right! Is everyone busy? That's it, nothing extra. Oh my goodness I didnt even realize this was posted and then it took awhile for me to read through all of the responses. If you're a naturally humorous and playful person, then you absolutely should let part of your personality shine through without clamming up. What are you doing this weekend? If the asker tends to demand stuff from me, Im likely to claim Ill be busy. No, they just assume that you will want to do the thing. Ive learned a lot of strategies.). The second part of this is being okay evaluating the specific invitations and turning them down if you dont want to do them. UGH. And its hard to argue with. This is another good and funny response to give to "whats up" because depending on who you say it to, they might find it to be relatable enough to laugh at. The thing about she is family, and I expect family to do X is: Who decides what is necessary, when is it necessary, and who needs to do it? I dont use it myself because I dont like the way it comes across. What he sounds like to me is the dweebs in engineering school who would pull this routine. You could just ask. Then they can ask for details to make up their minds, or just shut you down with a no of preferred firmness if the event doesnt appeal. So of course, you tell her, youll all walk separately from now on (keep the cheery loud voice of happy certainty and smile hugely the whole time). If you want to push them to just say why they want to know, ask. I immediately turn it around on them. Of course, YMMV, and you know your family and the situation better than I do. Im right there with you. No other teller (in this bank, or others that Ive been in) does this. Men who constantly try to manipulate women into doing all their emotional labor is a ridiculously huge problem in American culture right now. These guys then hope the girl will then respond with relating a fun anecdote, to which the guy will respond by asking a question or two to keep her talking, and then hell think, Great! morning (and then bending my ear the whole way up the road, when if we were alone Id be chatting to my kids, and we quite like that) to the point where the doorbell would go and my kids would be saying oh god no, not them again! and Im shushing them, but feel exactly the same way. And I had to say to her, over the airport thing: Act like a grownup. It was glorious. If she wants to NOT have some other grownup setting a price on her activities occasionally, she can get a job and move out, and then I wont be saying, a couple of times a month, if youre home tonight, I need you for X.. Im well aware of that risk. I sympathize with their reasons for having trouble planning, but I also do find it a little irksome that they only initiate actual plans once a year for their birthday while still making all the sounds about wanting to hang out. LWs letter got me thinking and i thought about using this kind of questions and realized that the only time I actually use them is with really close friends with whom I would just like to hang out or intend to make plans together. Im talking about the OMG, how can you feel that way?! Nothing? Answer accordingly. But I think its disingenuous? Those on the other side never see it that way. For people Im close enough to be snarky with Its depends Are you asking for fun or work?, I like this, but Id go maximum snark and phrase it as, Is this about business or pleasure?, I say Ill have to check. So I love this response cuz its keeping it real! I think people use that particular question instead of asking outright so they can feel out whether the person has any plans or our open to hanging out before they ask them to commit to a specific thing. This is just a funny response to give because it is the opposite of what they had asked just you. - Casey Stengel Ive heard its a very Southern California thing and that people from other places are annoyed by it. My go-to script for these (which I HATE) is an equally noncommittal, Why, whats up? Im not saying I do or dont have plans, but Im going to figure out why theyre asking me the question. Thats already happenedshe made a big stink about her dad telling her that they were all going to do something to support me at a time when I was really upset (something that would have taken about an hour of her time). Do you know the meaning of the weekend? For small talk, I like to ask questions where the answer can be simple. I think its interesting how LW is talking about what seems to me to be a specific social paradigm/situation that a lot of the commentators do not share? In the UK I think some places greet each other with all right? all right? and nobody blinks an eye. Usually, the asker will tell me why they asked after I answer, no matter what the answer is (busy, not busy, dont know). is how this has been explained to me, and it makes perfect sense. The only exceptions are: 1. I also agree that this is a loaded question and it also makes me on edge when someone I do not know that well asks it. I agree with the Captain that its all about boundaries. Getting this question still stresses me out because I feel like I have to work 100x harder to set and enforce said boundaries than if people just asked up front. I used this to train my mom to use text/email instead, because 1) I hate phone and 2) a written message means much less chances of either one of us getting the details wrong. I think the ideas people are getting at is that sometimes people want to reject an invitation not because they have plans but because they dont want to attend. It gives you a window into each others lives and invites you to share something about yourself. People use it for all sorts of reasons. Texting gives you some time to think of clever or funny responses. More words, people, not less. Yeah if I like the person and might be into it I usually friend-flirt with a depends on why!. Good to know! (In this case it was never exactly meant to result in actually doing anything), Them We need to have lunch soon I really need to catch up on some sleep this weekend. That way they know Im not going to be up for a 7 am hike, or a 9am brunch, but if they wanted to do an early happy hour Im probably going to be up for it. Helen Huntingdon, I dont want you to think Ive dismissed all your argumentsyouve certainly given me pause and gotten me to think about what my expectations are. Can I get back to you later? In truth that is an honest answer, my schedule would fall like a house of cards without my calendar and unless it is an emergency I truly have to check it. Im glad for the above scripts! If she has problems with overbearing family, then she needs to learn how to deal with overbearing family, but shes still gonna have to function at People Interactions 101, which includes whatre you doing this weekend., Its actually amazing how much supposedly required stuff you can avoid doing by just not doing it (sadly depending on your level of privilege; Im speaking from a white cis-woman perspective). Of course both people will vary from the scripts with personal style and the situation, but that is the general way it can go. Although you risk hearing all about the questioners plans. Not everyone in my life always has. Its a lot easier (for me anyway) to answer when I know what Im answering. Its mostly me trying to figure out a friends general level of free time and not impose if theyre busy or dealing with a crisis. When she asks me what Im doing on a particular day, I just say Im not sure or I need to check my calendar until she tells me what she wants. Personally, Id recommend not babysitting at all for six months to allow cousin the time to get used to the idea that LW is not cousins handmaiden, then seeing if LW can re-engage with the cousin in a mutually respectful manner. It is one of my pet peeves. Not blond but like superwhite. But a couple people have African-violeted me over this. I think it would be odd to preemptively take that away. That being said, I am always happy when I get to tell people that I dont answer that question because the answer gets me stereotyped and it keeps us from getting to know each other as individuals. Thaaats what Im telling myself about my children anyway. If the person you're talking to has seen Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Blog, they'll appreciate the joke. If youre female and you answer, and then he decides your time sounds like it should be at his disposal and asks for a date, and you dont want to go, now youre stuck in that ugly probabilistic space where various sorts of threats, anger, and violence may be coming at you. Teaching my fish how to swim. I"m not done loving you!" 7) "It's Friday bitches!! Sometimes I think if Im going to make something up it might as well be along the lines of going to the moon or whatever. Id rather know the thing up front so I can answer it directlyare you free without telling me the activity feels like a setup. It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. Vagueing it up works for me. A possible script: Sorry, Aunt, if I dont do laundry this weekend, Im not going to have any clean clothes. My Kid: No (shuts door) Is this just aimless small-talk? With friends and family you can be more honest if you like, but you dont have to. Sometimes, answering a question with a question is the best strategy.
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