difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

I obviously made it sound like I was intending a relationship with the man, and I assure you I am not, we are friends, but not even sure that will work for me as the chemistry is off for me even for friends. 156 0 obj <> endobj I finally learned the lesson that I should of learned then. Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. Trust your gut on this one, and bail, then RUN! It isnt rationalizing it all away by thinking the persons bad childhood is the reason the person is a bad person. Thank you, Yoghurt- Your post makes 100% sense. In the end he told me that all he could offer me was a friend with benefits scenario (we did not have sex during the time we were in contact), and that he knew I could not accept that, that I would find it diminishing. Of course I didnt get it because he knew he could control just from the promise of a crumb. For me, its BAD men. Im writing for some feedback/advice, if you may be so kind. This is projection of their own feelings on you. If never letting go of slights is referred to as holding grudges, what's it called when you'll always remember a kindness someone did you? Since the break up months ago I have remained silent (of course they want you to do this) but I just cant be bothered to state my case anymore. I know this was ridiculously LONG, but through a lot of growing pains and perspective, thats what made sense to me. When u end it. He is no idiot, otherwise I would not need to give him a second thought. Yet he wanted to to be friends with me and kept emailing calling after we broke up. In any case, I can sympathize with the trauma you must have gone through with such a parent. My Mother believes if he really and truly had serious intentions, his ego and my not responding to him would not prevent him from reaching out to me. I know you cant just switch off your memory and forget all the pain that was brought upon you, and as frustrating as that is, its a friendly reminder that I needed the pain in order to grow. Unbelievable he now sends me s friend request. As a result, choosing men with different faces, names, but always recreating patterns of familiar childhood abuse. It's understandable. He disrespects women! It used to be incredibly hard, but when I think about all the hurt I felt, its easy, because I dont ever want to feel the way I felt when I was with him ever again. I finally get it now. We got back together after the second break up and now he doesnt want a committed relationship and we broke up again-this time I with him as his behavior was so HURTFUL. Yes, I have served our homeless community and havent always liked it but did it anyway, didnt think of comparing it to forgiveness but you are absolutely right. Getting Real About Recognising Inappropriate Relationship Behaviour: He Doesn't Need To Cheat (or Be 2005-2023 BAGGAGE RECLAIM. Peace. May get me fired but someone has to take a stand not be a mindless, obedient doormat. I would never ever let someone treat my child with disrespect or disregard. But, are you really compatible? In the end, when we continue to go back, the hardest thing will actually be to stop bearing a grudge against ourselves. Yes, we have to forgive (up to 77 times which wasnt literal, but denoted the extremity of extending forgiveness) everyone, including our enemies, in the sense that we hold no hatred for them, (letting go as you mentioned), realizing that, if there is to be vengeance it is not ours, but Gods. Forgive yourself for going back, or staying in something that you knew wasnt right, for you. In my experience, knowing what makes them tick and knowing theyre mentally ill and cant help it makes the whole thing more comprehensible (though certainly not less painful). No forgive & forget from me thts for sure! Thats when it becomes a real wake up call, when your kids know better than you do. 10 Signs That A Guy Wants You Just For Sex, Breaking Up With and Getting Over a Married/Attached Man, Overlappers: When they start a new relationship just before your breakup, Miss You, Miss You, Oops, But Im Not Getting Back With You: When Your Ex Says They Miss You But Youre Still Broken Up, Letting Go of a Relationship That Doesnt Exist, Uncover, unpack and declutter the emotional baggage thats holding you back in 5 short audio sessions, Get to know yourself on a deeper level and learn my simple yet powerful emotional decluttering methods, Put healthy boundaries in place and start being more of the person you really are. Thats a good sign for me. Our gut, our minds, and even our hearts may be signalling that we should leave things alone and apply what weve learned into moving forward but then our inner critic pipes up with, Dont be a heartless beep beep! This happened to me or similar. Who hasn't been hurt by the actions or words of another? You might not think that's what you're doing, but it very well could be. So, instead of braving the nasty weather to spend hours with people that I dont really want to get to know, I stayed in with a glass of red and watched a movie and had a lovely time! He contacted me online in May, we got to talk on skype quite a lot and made phone calls. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. But please be careful! I wrote that post last night in a moment of particular discomfort, and I was blown away this morning when I found your thoughtful replies. Maybe they made fun of your favorite outfit, (metaphorically) threw you under the bus at work, or bullied you at school. Its a good time to find out who your friends are and who are not for some people certainly make you out to be the grudge-bearing sourpuss- which does affect me so I try not to think about itYes, would love Nat to post on this. 2020; doi:10.11124/JBISRIR-D-19-00286. He blew hot and cold, he made promises, he cancelled dates all the red flags that Natalie has alerted us to. *Whenever you think of your ex, write a To-Do list of pleasurable things you want to do for yourself to take care of yourself. PS Mymble I think being in this kind of relationship where we began to doubt ourselves, where we were with these nice passive aggressive guys is crazy making in very very sutble ways- I understand more of that now. My kid(s) see right through you. Absolutely true! He has all the lingo down to seem caring stating FWB is not what you want as it is diminishingoh how sensitive he seems NOT! Reflect on times when others have forgiven you. The trouble is that when we mistake being cognizant of the past and what another person may have said or done as bearing grudges we lose a vital opportunity to acknowledge our feelings, our own path, and any lessons weve stood to gain from our experiences in general or with a particular person. But often the most challenging aspect of getting hurt is letting go of any lingering resentment after you forgive them. I AM afraid of being told (again) either implicitly or explicitly that I am selfish I know my ex has set me up for that and is oh so careful to always appear the good guy especially to our kids. Friend Zone at best with this guy. Even months or years later, were so committed to our anger that we start to lose perspective. Thats very sad when we have to protect ourselves from a parent. Learn. Are you a codependent who cant get your point across to someone trying to dominate you? Make a list of 10 things that you enjoy and make you feel good and do them. You dont need anyone like that in your life. But to forgive in a way that would be about reintroducing more contact btw them and me into my life would mean forgetting why I had to push back in the first place. Why do you keep pretending that all of this stuff didnt happen in the past when its happening in your present? and on the other hand says, A better person would have been able to move past that. Oh lizzp, never intended to say the new guy doesnt have feelings! Last night my ex tried to convince me yet again that it is my insecurities and jealousies that are getting in the way of our relationship, because I told him that I would be crushed if he spent the holidays with his ex wife. It is hard to imagine being free and clear someday. So you do. ", It's easy for you to get irritated with them, NOW WATCH: Bed bug infestations are only getting worse here's why they're so hard to kill. I was strict NC with him for a really long time but even that became a non issue as time went on. These Are The Signs Of A Dysfunctional Family, Tian Dayton Quotes: Feeling Angry All The Time, Self Esteem Quote: Your Mental Illness Is Lying, 100 Tips For Growing Up My 20 Years of Recovery, What Is Resentment And Why You Have To Let It Go, 7 Ways To Overcome Addictions Destructive Conditioning, What Makes You Healthy High School Art / Media Contest 2023. They always tell you who they are. Love made you and love freed you, so never think that it is not meant for you.. i saw him in the summer and we talked about what happened, I also found out he was dating a lot since out hook up. I didnt get closure the AC just disappeared after 2 years.Ive run into him at social events (we live in the same town) where hes made a point of coming and talking to me even introduced me to his new girlfriend as a good friend. Needless to say, my brother, sister and I had far from an ideal childhood. Is it you thats the problem? It then becomes that were running around forgiving everyone else but that we cant forgive ourselves and so we keep going back to pain sources to gain that forgiveness through validation, which only leads to more pain. And, of course I couldnt tell him I followed him and what I had discovered. It means theres a part of him thats unhealthy and drawn to her for that reason. I was/am angry for giving him the ego stroke that he can still have an effect on me and that what he did is still a source of anger for me. Right now, I only have the energy to forgive myself. Its driving me a bit crazy! But, same thing happens, again and again. Here is his message hi!! But I dont seem to find peace. You're holding a grudge! If we keep listening to the shoulds, we just end up stuck in a cycle of lather, rinse, repeat. This again pulls the focus back on you and makes you look forward to the future. So when I experienced that behavior towards myself, I would ask myself, what would you do if someone were treating your daughter that way. Sadly, in its effort to garner empathy, a grudge ends up depriving a. Why We Hold Grudges, and How to Let Them Go | Psychology Today Thank you for your reply. AAAArrrrggggg!! But I did. Are you a good person? But often the most challenging aspect of getting hurt is letting go of any lingering resentment after you forgive them. "Often, we'll find ourselves avoiding someone that we have resentment or an unresolved issue with," Habash said. He deserves a guilty conscience. It gives me hope that when I leave this house physically I will have the same sense of relief. Ive thoughtnto myself that maybe i was too critical and expected too much from her, and that if i was more accepting it could work out, but the fact is shes with someone else. I realized after I posted my comment that, while trying to keep the off-topic meanderings to a minimum, I left out some thoughts that might clarify what I meant. I was taking care of my daughter, who was really myself. I take it to mean all the people in church who wind me up because, you know, Im spending eternity with them. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret. The recent comments from those of us whove given up (for now)arent because were pessimistic or bitter or whatever. Thinking about what sorts of feelings a person or situation brings up can help you figure out what's really going on. And dont feel bad, and stop making yourself wrong to please someone who fd up, even if it was the past. Hold a grudge Definition & Meaning | Dictionary.com Well then, yes, I have decided that I wont ride that Ferris Wheel again.. Tinkerbell- I read your post yesterday, unsure how to reply as I havent been in your shoes. But even if you tend to hold a grudge, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving. Block this idiot. Remorse? My therapist said, I didnt have good role models growing up. However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies. So glad youre out of that horrific situation. What a schmoe. I think Ive been too polite and nice with all this. "The feeling that causes you to want to back out is likely a resentment lurking beneath the surface.". Youre mean to not want to go there. He never asked for my forgiveness and its a private gesture on my end, but its helped me measure my own progress. I cant turn off deep, authentic feelings. Remember, your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you. You cant make sense out of insanity and crazymaking. Is it your mother, your sister, your significant other who is toxic or shows signs of narcissism? These Are 5 Ways Narcissists Use Projection. Creating healthier boundaries in all aspects of my life. He isn't a human golden retriever all the time. Ive been struggling with what I would want out of an encounter. Its not all about day one or week one for the book, and I dont want to resent it or myself. ReadyforChange, I would advise you not to break NC. Yeah, right. "We find great excuses to do a task in another room from our partner, become slow to return phone calls from a friend, or feel that we're just too busy to get together.". He also told me that he has at least six booty call women he calls up when he needs them. But I am trying to maintain my dignity. Jesus told us to love one another as He has loved us. Yet, I cant go on hurting myself. my mother has a massive part in enormous damage there too. Dear Love Talk Show - What's the difference between holding a grudge It makes me sick to think how easily I fall into thinking hes a nice guy and that I am not as nice person for thinking unkind (true) thoughts. In fact, I have had a feeling for a while that there may be a lot there that Id better not know. Do you think its healthy behavior? And dont worryI clearly read the well-intentioned and accurate tones of both your comments! I would take such advice with a grain of salt. Sandy, I am proud of you, too. Youre right, sometimes these rebounds are objectified but I did not mean to do so. My bad! Now if I were to ask you, your advice, on a friend who is funny, nice, who takes me out biking (best positive activity i have done for eons) BUT who goes on about women as if they are meat, who talks to me in one glance, but then is always looking at other women or scantily clad women on the tv, with another glance, who i catch checking my body parts out regularly, and unashamedly, who makes his hugs last a lil too long (yak) who is now using his biking knowledge and lending me a very decent bike as his control lever to keep going out with him (I am saving for my own fucking bike thanks, mate) and that I just have this uneasy, queasy feeling of being leched upon, and that I just want to untangle myself from him, and his unfolding character .would you tell me Im just making it a bigger deal than what it is, and to stay and just reaffirm my boundries of friendship only? Although, of course, I was pleased its finally out, truth be told, I was mostly *knackered* that day. Block him from all social networking sites and anything that allows you to see into his life. Why should it be any different w people? I tired NC and then realized I was still being affected by her, especailly when I got into relationships. I know I have to make a 100% break because its painful to laugh and joke or get into stimulating convos over the phone when I know that he doesnt want to see me because hes avoiding physical intimacy. Thank you Allison it does feel good, I feel like I had lost a part of me but I am feeling contented and so much happier that I know I am finally getting there..thanks to BR and all the lovely posters who show so much support on here it just makes you so aware that you arent alone in what you are going through and it gives you the strength to deal with what the ex AC is trying to throw at you. She did not mention the message she had left me. Thank you so much for putting it into words. He doesnt need to know that you forgive him, you do. When the anger, blame, shame and resentment dictates and we cant shake it off because were caught between a rock and a hard place that on one hand says, For fecks sake! Is It a Sin to Hold a Grudge against Someone? - crosswalk.com After trauma, you may be unable to control the. Not doing it! "Consider talking about the problem so that you can feel comfortable with them again.". If your first reaction is negative, it's likely that there is an underlying reason that you feel that way, even if you can't recall what that reason is.". What a bullet you dodged. He cant give me what I want, need and deserve as a woman so its futile for me to stick around. To put it simply, you're holding a grudge. He had told me he and his very long time gf had broken up. "Resentment is the feeling we have been wronged by someone else and holding a grudge is the belief that we will feel better when we have shown the other person how angry we are," Carrie Krawiec, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Troy, Michigan, told INSIDER. I was in the waiting room of my specialist when tht little gem arrived by text, & cut him cold. I also dont think asses make good friend material. she should just walk away whenever he approaches. Hugs xx. Thanks. The Mental Health Effects of Holding a Grudge - Verywell Mind Okay, Nat. Well. I think that once I get this off my chest ILL be able to move on and not seethe with anger silently at how I was treated. I agree that we probably agree more than Im realizing becausewellIm confused about what you mean. P.S. My feeling is that it really doesnt matter what race, color, or creed we are. I trusted them whilst in then depths of the on off emotional roller coaster ride of a relationship and it seems now that I was fabricating everything and the reason he treated me so badly was because it was my fault. Im polite he feels validated and off he goes. 2023 Copyright 2019 Reach Out Recovery, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. I gather OLD has a lot of people who have that agenda. 0 So I couldnt. Improved self-esteem. If we issue a blanket ban on meeting that way, youre left with online dating and randoms. The Bible says to bless those who curse us. But when he was on his own I told him (calmly!) you deserve the best! Good people should allow a person to have as many chances as they ask for' and when our typical mode is people pleaser who worries too much about what everyone else thinks and silences their true self to follow 'shoulds' laid down by the inner critic, we go against ourselves. Sure, maybe theyve changed, in small, little ways (like Maybe they pay for the entire dinner instead of paying half, lol). It's about focusing on what you can control in the here and now. Also, key into the pattern of the types of men youre attracted to, and why youre choosing to ignore and excuse all these red flags. Ive chosen to ignore it. My ex told me to stop treating him like a stranger and that we should just be nice to each other erm, you cheated on me and abused me physically and emotionally HELLOOO!?? I am in the same position bad men are definitely my cross to bear in life. I can hear him thinking How dare she be able to say goodbye, farewell! Somehow it feels less amazing than we thought it would once we are over someone and they contact us, I think (Im not there yet, but so I have heard). I know it isnt so I will not be reaching out to him. Boundary or grudge setting boundaries will get pushback When you share your feelings and your legitimate feelings make another person defensive, you are not being blamed for holding a grudge. Human beings are quite complex and the situations which evolve with them are usually even more complex. This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged. In the distant (or not-so-distant) past, someone hurt you. You need to ask yourself why. She is pathetic. At certain points I have gone NC with her for extended periods of time because she hurts not only me, but EVERYONE I care about with her words. "Think about how much emotional threshold you have towards most people even annoying ones," Owen said. Meditation really helps you to learn to be in the present moment and enjoy it. Meaning: You won't forget what she did. I dont know if I have if I cant even say their names when I pray. Theres a contingency there. A bit OTT, but saw this on Pinterest today and made me think of all of us: You may have convinced yourself that you are too broken for love, but there is someone who will prove to you that true love can heal the shattered of hearts. This was a constant fight when we were a couple and one of the reasons I kept breaking it off with him. Are you two still together or have you broken up? Be aware that forgiveness is a process. Victim's perspective of forgiveness seeking behaviors after transgressions. I'm Not Holding A Grudge, I'm Setting A Boundary. When I knew someone was treating me with disrespect and disregard, it helped me to think about myself as being my own daughter. Forgiveness is to be a liberator, an emancipator, a freer of spirits once shackled by mistakes of the past. It's a wound that's barely healed. Grudges are toxic to relationships. Getting It!- I havent gone to any of my high school reunions as I dont remember high school as being a happy time, havent kept in contact with anyone from high school so what would be the point? I was sexually abused by a family member on her side, and instead of protecting me, she wanted me to be quiet about it to keep the peace. Grace, you were right it was big let down. You made the right decision. Define your terms? That means different things to different folks but if hes trying to touch you up for a bit on the side or fun at your expense, feel free to flee away! You might not always think that you're still upset with someone over a certain thing, but you very well could be. This happened a few times several years ago. A clean break is no more than him messing with my head when there is no future. Something she could have easily done herself. Ready you should be celebrating! Sign up for notifications from Insider! For your own emotional health at such an early stage of a break up dont do it. Ive never in my life had a problem being undecided or being able to keep a friendly distance with someone who I dont have much feelings for. Do you want to learn how to love intelligently? The Connection Between ADHD & Forgiveness - The Holderness Family They dont even know why they do what they do but keep far far away from this toxic narc. I need to leave it alone, and stop feeling like I have to DO SOMETHING. You cannot treat people that way. Yet she did it anyway. No, I couldnt be lady in waiting and hoping to change my status from booty call to GF, so finally I decided to break unhealthy patternI miss them from time to time, but keep reminding myself what I actually gained from these experiences?! The only emotion I have when I think of her is pity. What Does the Bible Say About Holding Grudges? Stay up to date with what you want to know. Thank you. I guess it is because I cannot make sense of what happened. I feel murderous rage toward my egg donor. Guys dont like being replaced either, even if it was his choice and a while ago. Harboring a grudge When people hold a grudge, they stay in the victim role and perpet- uate negative emotions associated with rehearsing the hurtful offense (Baumeister, Exline, & Sommer, 1998). Then I would take whatever my answer was and apply it to my situation.

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